Embrace Life...You Never Know How Short It Can Really Be....

6 months ago today my family dynamic was drastically and traumatically changed....6 months ago N. Alabama experienced some of the worst tornado storms in decades, especially hurting Tuscaloosa, killing some and injuring many....6 months ago my cousin Danielle Downs was one of the lives lost......

Danielle was my first cousin on my dad's side.  We come from a pretty small family.  There were only 4 of us Downs' grandkids (me, my brother, Danielle and her sister Michelle).  I'm the oldest of us all, 7 years older then Danielle, so I can still clearly remember Danielle from birth to last day.  Growing up, especially with so many years and miles between us, we weren't always very close.  We always enjoyed spending time together during summers and family get togethers, but honestly Michelle and I were closer, and my brother and Danielle were close.  It wasn't until we were a little bit older that we started to form a closer relationship, which I have to give credit to Danielle for.  She had such a strong personality and will about her, so as she got older she made the decision that we were all family so we should have a closer relationship.  Once she was old enough to drive she started making frequent trips to see our family.  Once she got to college her trips became even more frequent, often staying with me and my family (husband and kids).  Through all of these visits we became very close, more then cousins and family, we became friends.  We always stayed in touch between visits through our cell phones and social media.  I always sent her pictures of my kids, which she always said I sent at the perfect moments because she needed a "lift me up."  I completely miss my relationship with her and thank God that I had that opportunity.

Danielle was so close to mine and my brother's kids.  She loved her "baby cousins" and they loved her back.  She didn't treat them like they were kids, she treated them just as they are, little people with their own minds and opinions, and she respected them.  Too many times when you have other adult family members come around kids are shrugged off or given the not-listening "uh-huh" answer when the kids are excitedly telling them something.  They never got this from Danielle, she genuinely listened to whatever it was the kids had to said, and responded to it.  She got down on their level and played with them all the time.  Many people go to visit family and go out and do all the attractions and parks that are around, Danielle spent time with the kids.  She made a difference to their day and she always showed them that they mattered.  One of their favorite things when she would visit was to spend some one on one time with her, which she always did.  She would take them some many places and do so much with them, they were all looking forward to her living here.

One of the hardest things I have ever had to do was to teach them about life and death through the fact that we had lost a loved one.  I had no clue how to even start.  The conversations with the younger kids wasn't too bad, they were all still too young to get a full grasp of the situation.  The talk I most dreaded was with Soleil, who had just turned 6 a few months earlier, had more time with Danielle and also had enough age on her to understand more fully the concept of death.  I remember everything like it was yesterday.  I had received the tragic news while she was still in school, I drove the whole way there knowing what I had to tell her.  That day there was art hung all over the school, it was near the end of the school year and all the art from the year was on display.  Soleil and I decided to look at the art as we walked out of the school.  I remember the last wall we looked at by the media center, she pointed out a painting at the top...it was a stormy scene with a tornado tearing through the scene...all I could think was "are you kidding me, really??!"  The painting was well done, but at that moment I could not appreciate it.

We left the school, I waited until we were several blocks away and I started explaining the difference between life and death to her.  Once I was sure she understood the concept I broke the news to her...pure silence....5 mins later and still pure silence....then tears, nothing more then tears for over an hour...she would speak to nobody...hardest moment in my life...

We went to my parents' house right after that.  All the kids were there, they all consoled one another.  They decided to write letters/booklets to Danielle, which were later buried with her.  I cried when I read Soleil's...there was a picture of an angel, on the opposite page it said "I hope you have fun being a angel"...another page said "I hope you make other angel friends"....the funeral was so tough, the younger kids could understand that it was a somber event but didn't have a full grasp on what was going on.  Soleil on the other hand broke down several times and I had to take her away from services many times.  The one thing that Matea said to me that I will always remember was the morning after her burial....she told me "mommy, I'm so worried about DanDan" when I asked her why her reply was so innocently "because she can't breath in that blue box they put her in"......the innocence of childhood protects her heart from all of this pain....the kids are handling things much better now, though I doubt they will ever forget.  There are still moments where the kids will start crying and when I ask what's wrong they will tell me they miss their DanDan.  They have mementos of her all over, like the purple comforter that's on their bed.  It was Danielle's, she gave it to them several years back, last year I had debated donating it to Goodwill, now I can never get rid of it.  They have jewelry made by Michelle that she made with Danielle's birthstone, they wear it for special occassions, whether or not it matches.  Most importantly they have their memories and love for her, which is one of the only things that can fully console them.  When they are really sad I always remind them that Danielle will live forever in their hearts....

Something about losing someone so young and in such a tragic way is hard to process.  Although I mourned all my loved ones who past from age or sickness, there was an expectancy of their passing and the grief was a little easier to handle.  When there is a sudden death, it is extremely hard to grasp.  It doesn't seem real, even to this day.  It's hard to realize that you won't ever see that person again.  Danielle was supposed to be graduating just one week after the tornadoes hit then planned on moving here in July/August.  There is still a part of me waiting for her to move here to be with us.  There are still times that I take great pictures of the kids and I go through the motions of wanting to send them to her through our cell phones.  I have not removed her from my contact list or e-mail list.  When we got home from the funeral I had a Skype request from her, I couldn't reject it even though I knew she wouldn't be on the other end.  When I'm around my aunt and uncle I don't know what to say.  When I speak to her sister all I can hope for is that my words are comforting to her, though I know there is nothing I can ever do to ease the pain.  Her passing has left a deep void in all of our lives.

Danielle was one of the most beautiful people I knew, both inside and out.  She had a true belief in every person's inner good and believed that every person could be redeemed for any past wrongs.  To know her was to know one of God's true gifts and lights on this Earth.  It pains me everyday that she is no longer here with us.  I carry her with me each and every day and allow her short time here to show me one thing:  life is short, so don't sit back and expect it to happen to you, happen to life.  Enjoy every moment you have and have your priorities straight.  Family is the most important thing in this world, for without it we really have nothing.  Don't live your life with regrets and don't wait until tomorrow to tell somebody what they need to hear today because you might not get that chance.  I live my life better because of her and I am more trusting of human nature because she has shown me that people all have good in them.  I am a better person for having had Danielle for my cousin and friend.